I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!"  I'm thinking, 'I should hope not?  If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' -Larry Miller
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.  Think of your three best friends.  If they're okay, then it's you. -Rita Mae Brown
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??  I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God . . . I could be eating a slow learner. -Lynda Montgomery
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. -Johnny Carson
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. -Paul Rodriguez
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? -Lily Tomlin
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. -Jerry Seinfeld
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic?  Do tall people burn slower? -Warren Hutcherson